nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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