Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
