Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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