I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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