I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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