The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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