Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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