god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
