drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
sarcasm needs its own font
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
