So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize