this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
