Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Acid is not a monday night drug
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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