Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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