If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize