My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
