ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize