took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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