got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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