Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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