I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize