I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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