im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
