he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
why is half of my head shaved?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
