dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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