Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize