I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize