This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
