I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
