If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
