thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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