I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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