So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
