It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
