I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I am one with the molecules
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize