I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
