I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
