Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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