checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
