Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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