M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
