Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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