She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize