i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
