Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
