dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
