your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize