I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
