I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
