just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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