Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
