You're my little dorito
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
