If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
