I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize