I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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