Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
