and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
