You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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